Neil's parents funded his college. This was a tremendous gift to Neil and I, and a gift we would love to give each of our children. Sadly, the college fund just isn't there. I would like to say that it is because we simply did not have the money to save, that it literally has taken every penny just to feed and clothe these children. But the real reason we don't have gobs of money waiting in a college fund, is because we've probably taken a few too many fabulous vacations, eaten out too many delicious meals, and spent too much money on instruments and music lessons. It is what it is. Boy, we've had some great times over the last two decades!

In exactly one year, Jessica will be hearing back from colleges. She will be discovering whether they want her at their university and whether they want her enough to throw some money her direction. Admittedly, I have been agonizing over this whole idea, seeing that college tuition is now over three times what it was when Neil and I were students. 

Neil and I have learned a few things. We have learned that, to colleges, my child is no more than a dot on a grid. She is no more than a GPA and an ACT score. This is why Jessica is attending an ACT prep class every Saturday for four hours for the next month; so that she can some how pull off a score high enough to convince these schools that she is worth having. Because we all know that those ACTs are fool-proof indicators as to whether a person is ambitious, hard-working, has good people skills, is creative, and knows how to problem solve. And this is also why I am heart-broken over a chemistry teacher that has proven worthless and will most likely cost my child the precious 3.8 GPA that she has worked so hard to maintain.

We have learned a few things. We have learned that the school system is broken. There are remarkable teachers that are able to work within this system to help kids thrive and to love learning. I am so grateful for these teachers. Such teachers have given my children a passion for classic literature and taught them how to write well. They have helped a daughter, who has never had a math brain, suddenly get math. I've seen teachers instill a passion for history into my kids. Jessica wants to be a music teacher because of the amazing music teachers that have inspired her. 

But my heart has broken as I've watched this education system squelch the spirits and self-esteems of my children so many times. I've watched a son, who struggles with reading, shrink in his chair as his teacher sits in front of us at SEP conferences and discusses how poorly he's done on his Dibels tests. Neil and I have sat up for hours at night with Jessica, trying to fill in the many gaps left by her chemistry teacher so that she can retake a failed test and pull up her grade. We send her away the next morning confident because she has worked so hard and finally gets the concepts. And I watch the defeated look on her face as she informs me that afternoon, that after all of her efforts, she was only able to raise the test score from a 40% to a 49%. I've watched another child sob in her chair because her math teacher does not teach, and yet she is expected to do 60 math problems that night. 

I have learned that I have to instill the love of learning at home to combat what often happens at school. And I have learned that the public school system is often about jumping through a lot of hoops and trying to keep your child's spirit intact through the process. And we do this so that there is hope for our children to attend college, an institution, let us not forget, that is first a business, and second a place of learning. And yet there is great power in a college diploma, and there are many skills that just can not be learned any other way. 

And so we jump through the hoops. But I'm being a little more selective as to which hoops we jump and how we jump them. Jessica will be dropping chemistry next semester, and it will be replaced with basic digital photography, a class that she already has a propensity for and will most likely ace. Now she can focus on AP music theory, and AP American History, and AP English, three  classes she loves and can be successful in.  Will she be taking Math her senior year?...Nope. I am encouraging her to take a drawing class as she has not been able to touch this marvelous gift she has since school started. And what about that last semester of science credit that she's lacking?...I'm thinking animal science might be just the class. She is also looking forward to taking History Through the Great Books next year.

Maybe now, that cello that has been sitting untouched in the corner while Jessica has been pouring over chemistry problems will be dusted off again and cherished like it was before school got in the way. I look forward to watching the clouds lift from the face of my daughter as she begins to play those strings. I'm anxious to watch that smile re-emerge and to hear her breathe again with the music. I look forward to welcoming back that spirit that has so long been stifled in that stressed-out teenage body. 

The irony of the whole thing, and the thing I don't know why I was so blind to, is that that cello may very well be the thing that brings her the much needed scholarship. We were so worried about hoop jumping that we forgot to just let Jessica pursue the thing that will naturally lead to opportunity and success, the thing she loves, the thing she has already and will continue to touch lives with.

So play on my dear, let chemistry burden you no more!