Whining Without the Web

"The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow.-Bill Gates

Ah, it feels good to be sitting in front of my computer again. I know that sounds really bad, but you have to understand that I've been without internet for the last week. We had internet. Pretty fast internet at that. All was hunky-dory here at the Watson house as we googled and streamed to our heart's content, until the morning they carefully lowered the final trusses on the Tower of Babel going up next door to us. In an instant our signal was completely wiped out. We called Digis in a panic. They had a technician out the next day. I listened to the poor guy tromp around on my roof for over an hour in a hail storm and a lightning storm. I was worried about the gentleman's safety but equally worried about my lack of internet and consequent disconnection from the rest of the world. You see, I am one of about 50 people in the world without a smart phone. I know. I know. It's appalling. Let's just say that I eagerly anticipated Neil walking through the door each evening, not for his sweet company, but rather for the small electronic device attached to his belt. 

The technician could not locate a single tower. What?!!! Neil frantically called CenturyLink who had previously promised us a whopping 1.5meg speed internet. Apparently that particular employee was misinformed, because I guess we can have any darn speed we want as long as we're willing to pay for it. But it took a week to get someone out here to finally take care of things.

So while the grandiose structure next door climbed to the heavens, we Watsons sat here in our squatty little house unable to pay bills, check grades, or do our taxes. And for heaven's sake, I had no idea what was going on on Facebook or in blog world. Talk about living in isolation. I suppose I could have picked up the phone and called someone, but does anyone even answer the phone these days? I suppose that I could have gone over and knocked on someone's door if I was in need of human interaction, but that would be weird and awkward.

We live in different times, in a different world really. Gone are the days when you used to sit down at the kitchen table to pay bills, large pile of envelopes, book of stamps, and checkbook in hand. We no longer wait patiently in the dark until our children  hand us their midterm report card. I stood in a line every Monday in elementary school with a check in hand waiting for my turn to hand it to sweet Mrs. Okoobo, who would place the check in her metal money box then mark me as paid in her little ledger. These days, I just get a phone call from a disgruntled child informing me that their lunch account has run dry, at which point I hop on the internet and fill every child's account with lunch money. Please don't ask me if I've considered doing my taxes by hand. I might just have to slap you for uttering such an obscenity. Women don't gather on one another's porches anymore to discuss the joys and woes of motherhood and wifehood. 

I found myself getting all panicked. What if all sorts of people had messaged me on Facebook, and they thought I was rudely ignoring them? I was considering turning to the Pony Express or sending a message via homing pigeon to the outside world. Then I remembered that we have a postal system still in full force. I kind of forget about the postal system, especially now that I don't have a mailbox in front of my house. I used to check the mail once a week. Now I check it...never. 

Never fear. All is right with the Worldwide Web, now that it hums smoothly through my home. I feel connected again. I've already checked the weather and my kids' lunch accounts and Facebook several times. Life can go back to normal. If you need to send me a message, feel free to do so. I'll answer you cheerfully and promptly, but don't knock on my door, I won't answer it. And don't call me. I don't answer my phone. Maybe just text me. Ah, it feels good to be out of isolation.