Open Lines of Communication

"Every book is a quotation; and every house is a quotation out of all forests, and mines, and stone quarries; and every man is a quotation from all his ancestors." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sixty years ago, this little Swedish family packed up their few belongings and got on a boat headed for America. As their first view of Lady Liberty appeared in the horizon, they looked forward to the blessings awaiting them. 

They saw a few sights after landing in New York, and eventually settled in Salt Lake City where they were able to be sealed as a family for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake temple.

 Nine months after arriving in the US, my mom was born. And this little Swedish family made Utah their new home.

Sadly, my mom's parents divorced when she was nine. My grandmother died of a brain tumor in her early 50's. So I know very little of the history of my mother's family. I know almost nothing of my Swedish and Finnish relatives.

I am a history buff. I have books and books about first hand accounts of those who lived through the Civil War and those who survived the holocaust. I have volumes about the founding fathers, british monarchs, french royalty, and russian tzars. 

And yet, this history buff knows very little of her own history. It is a fact that has always bothered me.

Do you ever feel like the channels of communication between you and the Lord are closed? That you're kind of floundering? Do you ever wonder if you're even living the life that God intended for  you to live? Or is it just me? Because I've had that feeling for a couple of years now. 

My baby went off to first grade, and I was just beside myself trying to figure out what to do with the precious hours now allotted me in the middle of the day. And here I sit, three years later, still beside myself, wondering if I am simply idling away this time.

Do you ever pray and pray that the Lord will inspire you as to what his will is for you right now? Now that diaper changes and breast-feeding aren't the consuming activities of the day, what would He have me do with this time? 

I uttered yet another one of those prayers yesterday morning. Then I got up and began to read my scriptures. As I read, the thought kept coming to me that I should attend the Relief Society activity planned for the evening. I had already resolved that I was not going to this activity. It was going to be a three hour ordeal, and I had so much to do. How was I going to get dinner on the table and get Spencer to viola and get to the activity, and I should really stay home and quiz Jessica for her AP exam.

But it was a nagging thought. I started to think about how dinner could just be simple, and that if Jessica didn't already know her stuff, then two hours of frenzied cramming really wasn't going to  make or break this test. And then the thought came to me... Is the channel of communication really closed, or do I just have it on mute? Do I only want inspiration that is convenient and fun for me? 

So I asked Neil if he might grill some burgers while I rushed Spencer to viola. He's always perfectly willing to help facilitate these last minute mind changes that I seem to experience all too often. 

I got to the activity with surprisingly little effort. We then trekked to the Family History Library, where cute little retired folk got us all set up on computers and taught us how to research our ancestors.

Sabrina came along. She is so much more computer savvy than I. She took over the mouse many a time last night. The first thing we noticed was that there were names from my mother's line ready and waiting for temple work. I was shocked at how simple it was to request those names. We had those names printed and in our hands before we left the library.

We also left energized and eager to search out our kindred dead. To find their names. To learn their stories, if we can. Each name on that computer screen has a story. And each name on that screen represents a person who is part of me. And there are many names not yet on that screen. Names that belong to people who had stories and are also part of who I am. 

I don't even know where to begin in this process. It is all very daunting. I think I'll need to take some more extensive classes. More prayers will need to be uttered as I consider beginning a work that seems so overwhelming.

Perhaps the Lord hasn't been silent on this matter. Perhaps He has just been whispering, as He usually does. Perhaps He intends for me to spend a little less time blogging and rushing off to the gym and a little more time engaged in his work of redeeming the dead. Perhaps He just hasn't gotten me to sit still and shut up long enough to convey the thought to me. 

So I'll give it a shot. See if I don't learn a thing or two and maybe even contribute a thing or two. Here goes.