"I would have given anything to keep her little. They outgrow us so much faster then we outgrow them."
-Jodi Picoult
This child of mine just went and got herself a job. I'll admit, we encouraged this. It's a good teenager job. Good pay, closed on Sundays, closed at a reasonable hour during the week. And heaven knows the child needs to start accumulating some cash for college and covering some of her ever-growing expenses.
I've been walking around in a bit of a funk for the past couple of weeks. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I just feel uneasy lately. Then it hit me. My child has one foot out the door, and I'm not ok with it. Between school and her job, Jessica is managing the equivalent of a 60 hour work week. Combine that with 6 hours of youth symphony rehearsals, 3 hours of cello lessons, and an attempt to maintain her suffering social life, and this means that of the 100 or so waking hours in a week, I get to see my daughter about 20 of them. I'm not ok with this.
I miss her. I wasn't ready for this. I was preparing myself for the absence of my child about this time next year as she went off to college. I didn't expect to have her adulthood just thrust upon me like this. The empty seat at the dinner table is felt profoundly. I don't even want to plan family outings if she can't attend. I realize that I must work through this, for there are three other children in the home anxious to play. But it kind of bothers me that I have to work through this right now. It is one of the great injustices of motherhood, that just as our children become a sheer delight, they leave. I don't like it one bit. I found myself giddily chattering with Jessica after school yesterday. It was so nice that she didn't have to work. I just really loved having her around.
This whole leaving the nest thing is what is supposed to happen. It's natural and preferable that your children one day grow up and start living their own lives. It is what Neil and I have worked the last seventeen and a half years for. To have a grown child with a good job, a healthy social life, and her own admirable ambitions. A child with a car and a debit card, and the ability to responsibly handle both. I'm thrilled really. But not really. Can't she do all of those things and still be very present in our family? So that I can chat and laugh with her like I'm used to doing? So that Neil and I aren't wandering around the house like lost puppies waiting for our child to get home from work so that she can tell us about her day before we all collapse into bed for the night?
She's feeling it to. We might have rocked her world a little bit yesterday when we informed her that she would now be responsible for filling up her own car. Oh the harsh realities of adulthood. It hurts. Don't worry Jess, we're all hurting here.
There is just too much about parenting that we aren't allowed to prepare for properly. I'm trying to find a new normal here. I'm making a concerted effort to have a nice meal as a family whenever Jessica is not working. And I'm getting dinner in the crockpot so that she can eat before work on the other days. I'd rather she not eat Arby's every night. We're cherishing our family time on Sundays. There's that word again...cherish. Cherish that time with your kids. Every day, they are moving steadily towards independence. It creeps up on you. Don't think you'll be ready. Here's one mama bird trying to keep her nest full of chirping babies just a little bit longer.
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