It's Time To Retire

"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of 'overtime' when the angel appeared and said. 'You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.'

"And God said, 'Have you read the specs on this order?' She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands.' " 

-Erma Bombeck

I'm not gonna lie. I will not miss elementary school. I will not miss the make a 3D animal cell out of things just laying around your house projects. The only things laying around my house last night were a pair of smelly soccer socks, an empty pizza box, used string cheese wrappers, and a pile of junk mail. No matter how hard I racked my brain, I could not figure out how to turn these items into a 3D animal cell. So, as with all of these cutsie school craft projects, I was at Walmart at 9:30 at night in search of pipe cleaner, fuzzy balls, and googly eyes. Bless you Walmart. Bless you and your 24 hours of openness.

I will not miss the county floats. I look forward to throwing away shoe boxes with not a tinge of guilt, for fear that I may need it for an upcoming float.

I will not miss the dress a mountain man projects.

Or the make a word out of food projects.

Or the make a volcano out of food projects.

Or the science fair projects. Those blasted science fair projects!

I will not miss coming up with indian costumes and pioneer costumes for the Utah assembly. I will not miss the field trips or the class parties or the Valentine boxes.

I have been doing this elementary school thing for 13 years now. All of this stuff was cute and fun about ten years ago. When Jonah comes home with yet another "make a miracle out of items laying around your house" project, a few words come to mind, cute and fun are not on that list of words.

I had a good run. I should own stock in Hobby Lobby and Michaels. I've spent enough dollars and enough frenzied hours in those stores. But it's time. Time to turn in my craft glue and Cricut machine. Time to retire. If I can only endure the next nine months of...please donate a bag of chocolate chips for the class ice cream party, please create the Leaning Tower of Pisa out of sugar cubes, please send your son to school dressed like Socrates, please make a 3D amoeba out of things just laying around the house. If I can just endure to the end of Jonah's elementary years, then I can retire and breathe a worn-out sigh of relief.

Maybe this will all be cute and fun again when I'm a grandma. Then I will ease my grown children's burdens by inviting the grandkids over to make a float or a mobile or a 3D model of the New York Stock Exchange made out of things just laying around the house. Then the things laying around my house will be glitter and pipe cleaner and modeling clay and sugar cubes and buttons and beads of all varieties. Ah grandparenthood, every parent's hope for redemption!