The First Day of School - An Accounting

"The mediocre teacher tells.

The good teacher explains.

The superior teacher demonstrates.

The great teacher inspires." 

-William Arthur Ward

One of the joys of motherhood is being the first to encounter your child after the first day of school as the details of the day begin to stream from their little mouths.

The first accounting came from Jessica via phone call. All of her professors let her out early today, much to her relief as she was still trying to negotiate this new campus. Her yoga class went well. Her professor said that if they just show up and participate, they should have no problem passing the class. She did add one caveat, coming to class to sleep would not earn one a passing grade. Apparently napping whilst sitting indian style does not qualify as yoga. I'm hoping Jess can learn some good stretching and relaxation exercises to counteract the hours a day she will be spending hunched over a cello.

Her music fundamentals class sounds pretty hard core. She will be required to compose a piece of music every week. Yikes! She went to her keyboarding class half expecting them to advance her to the next class...yeah no, she's in the right class. I think she came away from the day feeling like a bit of a musical pygmy amongst a campus of instrumental giants. She was the big fish flopping around in a puddle over at Layton High. Now she is a tiny fish in an expansive ocean. Now she will have all sorts of room to flip her fins. The opportunity for growth is great up at Utah State. I hope she doesn't shy away from hard things. I hope she gleans all that she can from the big fish she is surrounded by.

I picked Sabrina up from the high school, then we went home and I proceeded to make snicker doodles while she ate cookie dough and described her day one class period at a time. She was the perpetual skeptic when it came to starting high school, so I was interested to hear what she had to say. Drivers Ed...lame and boring...no surprise there. The teacher informed the class that if you don't already have your learners permit, you're behind. Happy news for an already apprehensive sophomore who is currently lacking a learners permit. 

Orchestra...they have a long term sub who speaks like Snow White only ten decibels quieter...so lame and boring. Hopefully things will improve when she actually gets to pull out her instrument. Her honors english teacher is a football and wrestling coach at heart so when he referred to the class agenda as a "game play", Sabrina cringed. And when he used the word funner, it took everything she had not to proclaim...these were her exact words..."Mr. Jernigan, your vernacular is insufficient for an honors english teacher!" But she refrained. She is hoping that this teacher will not ruin literature for her as it is the thing she loves most about school.

Sabrina's favorite teacher was Mr. Connor, which came as no surprise to me. The man has been at Layton High since Neil was there. She first walked into the room and wondered where this alleged Mr. Connor was. She finally noticed a squirrely gentleman leaning on a pulpit complete with bow tie and button-up sweater, and she knew instantly that this was her man. As Mr. Connor began to speak, she knew that they were going to get along just fine. He warned the class not to scoot their desks back too far for they may end up getting cracked on the head with one of the NFL trophies perched on the shelves in the back of the class. A few jocks perked up, "Did you play football Mr. Connor?!" The squirrely man responded, "No, it doesn't stand for National Football League! It stands for National Forensic League. We had the name first. We get to keep it." When Mr. Connor adjusted his sweater, only to reveal a pocket watch, Sabrina was an instant convert. She is thrilled as can be for her World Civ. class. Today is B day. With math and science finishing up the day, she has already determined that seminary will be the only redeeming quality of the dreaded B Day.

Spencer tends to go with the flow a little more naturally than Sabrina. He gravitates toward his father in this respect. Sabrina leans more toward your's truly in the anxiety arena. So Spence came home from his first day in a new school proclaiming that this school is the best school ever and that every one of his teachers are awesome. Even his health and gym teachers are nice. We will see if this attitude continues once the novelty of it all wears off. He seems most amused by his germaphobic history teacher who stands at a towering 5 feet 3 inches and spent most of the class discussing the importance of fleeing the classroom if you feel the urge to vomit. Whether he knows his history is yet to be determined.

So there you have it. As the three oldest are up to their eyeballs in syllabi, Jonah is currently enjoying his last week of school. He goes off track this Friday. I fear the amount of gear-shifting I'm going to have to do this school year is going to burn out my mental clutch. No fear of ruts or ennui this year!

Endings & Beginnings

"Months are different in college, especially freshman year. Too much happens. Every freshman month equals six regular months- they're like dog months."-Rainbow Rowell

I have so much catching up to do. I'm telling you, life is a bullet train. I am sitting in my quiet house. You see it is the first day of school...AGAIN! I feel like I've been doing first days of school all summer. But now they are all safely delivered to their respective places of learning. Each one resides at a different place of learning this year, and the oldest resides...sniff, sniff...a good hour away from here. I was not there to take her first day of school photo. I had to turn to Facebook for a peek into that moment of her life.

Sometime ago, I discussed that ache that comes when you realize that you are done having children and that there will be no more babies. Well, I am now suffering with a new ache. That ache that comes when your first baby leaves the nest. Oh the aches of motherhood.

The past week or so has been one of endings and beginnings. A week ago Saturday, we enjoyed our last weekend as a family before Jess was to head off to college. It was the end of family life as we know it. The last time we went out with our four dependent children all of which live under our roof. No this would not be our last family fun time, but it will be different after this. Jessica requested bowling for our last hurrah. Mainly because she knew she would school all of us. I told her that winner gets to buy everyone ice cream after, but somehow Neil got roped into buying the ice cream after being shamefully defeated by his eighteen year old daughter. Story of his life.

Monday brought a new ending as it was her final lesson with the great Richard Marsden. She has been under his careful tutelage for four and half years now, and it was difficult to say good-bye to this great mentor. She is the musician that she is because of him. Although I haven't accompanied her to a lesson for a good two years now, I had to attend this her last lesson. He gave her some final pointers on the Saint-Saen concerto. I had forgotten what a tremendous teacher he is. With each difficult run, he would ask her which scale she had just played. Sometimes she was spot on. Sometimes she was way off, and he wouldn't sugar coat it when that was the case. 

I had to get one last photo of this duo. There were no tears. Mr. Marsden had another student, and he has had to say good-bye to many students over the years I'm sure. He wished Jess good luck, and then we walked out of the maestro's house for the last time.



It will be ok, because Jess already had a lesson scheduled with her cello professor for Thursday. I have the feeling that this will be the beginning of even greater learning from yet another great mentor.

I was up until midnight that night trying to get Jessica's care package put together for the next day. Just those odds and ends that I knew she would need but wouldn't realize it until eleven o'clock at night during a blizzard.

We began the trek up to Logan at 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. All of Jessica's essential belongings were stuffed in our van while Tony "the cello" resided where he normally does, in the back of her Corolla. 

She was the second one to arrive at the apartment. One of her roommates was already there, and her dad almost had the router up and running, because you know that the immediate activation of wi-fi is of utmost importance. This is Brigette, Jessica's roomie and friend from Davis Youth Symphony. That they ended up being roomies makes me so happy! Funny thing. Neil and Brigette's dad worked together at scout camp over two decades ago. The way life comes around full circle is almost eery.

How these girls got all of their stuff jammed into that teeny tiny room I'll never know. I wasn't there to witness the miracle, but Jess says that all of their belongings have a home now, including both cellos.

I didn't want to be too much of a hovering mother, but there were some loose ends that Jess was still a little stressed about, so we went ahead and took care of those things. We bought the last of her books. The science text book in the form of a large pile of loose leaf papers that cost a mere $110.00 and cannot be returned to the bookstore still leaves me brooding, but what can you do? 

We then proceeded to Walmart and bought her some groceries and stopped at the bank to figure out the problem with her debit card that has been declining her for the last several months.

At this point, Jess was feeling like she had everything well in hand. We just happened to notice a Fizz n Fryz on our way into Walmart and surprisingly had a hankering for none other than a soda and some french fries on the way out. This place is trouble. I warned Jess to resist the temptation to live off of belgian waffles, fries, custom-made sodas, and pizza while at college. I begged the child to please, for the love of Pete, try to eat at least one real fruit or vegetable a day. Sure enough, by the end of the night, Jess had posted a picture of herself lounging in her bedroom with a plate full of pizza and some Pride and Prejudice streaming in the background. 

Books were paid for, groceries purchased, debit card dilemma solved, tummy full of carbonation and greasy fries, Jess was ready to send us on our way and begin setting up her apartment and bonding with these roommates who will become her college family. We gave final hugs, held the tears in, and drove home...without our child.

I didn't go home and sob. I went home and slept! I was so physically and emotionally exhausted from this whole experience that I just collapsed onto my bed and almost instantaneously fell into a coma. I believe I was more exhausted that day than the day I gave birth to the child. One day I was bringing Jessica into the world, and the next I was taking her out to live in the world without my watchful care. Both experiences were very intense.

Though I am pushing through this ache, I can't wish for her to be anywhere but where she is. I am thrilled as can be that she is having this college experience! She has already roamed the campus and fallen in love with the fine arts building, where she will pretty much be living. She is already best friends with her roommates. She has already gone to church and feels that she must be part of the best ward in all of Logan. She is already cooking for herself, cleaning for herself (in theory at least), figuring out public transit and parking for herself, and exchanging numbers with cute returned missionaries. She's having all of those delicious college moments that I remember and treasure.

It is starting to actually settle in now, as I walk past her empty bedroom. She is not just away at camp or on her senior trip. Her home is elsewhere. I'm not right there watching her experience life. I must learn of her adventures second hand. All I can say is how did parents ever do this without texting or Facebook? 

Now I seek to find a new normal, with one child no longer under my roof safe and sound at the end of the night. My prayers for her safety have taken on a new level of fervency. Today is her first day of school, and it will be hard not to be right there when she walks through the door overflowing with details from the day. But come 11:30, I'll be here with phone in hand ready to hear those delicious details in any way she's ready to deliver them.

Motherhood...Why I Go On

Rather than dwelling on the sheer chaos of motherhood one second longer, today I will discuss in snip its why I continue to get up every morning and mother. Why this is what I have chosen to do, and though it challenges me beyond my limits, why I would have it no other way.

My thoughts are somewhat incoherent right now, because my 15 year old is currently practicing her violin. This passionate child who plays her instrument with as much passion as she lives is drilling a concerto by Seitz. That I walk through life being constantly serenaded by the breathtaking music my children make seems like a blessing I don't deserve. Have you imagined going through life like a character in a movie, where amazing music accompanies your daily routine? That is my life. It is a beautiful life. And now when I hear countless selections of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written, I think of Jessica, or Sabrina, or Spencer, or Jonah. I think of sitting in my kitchen, making dinner as these pieces glide through the walls of our home. Those lovely trills and double stops and triple stops and the rich vibrato filling the air of this house. 

It is the fruits of the labors of driving to music lessons and  constant trips to the music store for rosin, new strings, and sheet music. It is delicious fruit. The fruit of motherhood. 

Time and Season?

"The way to be with God in every season is to strive to be near Him every week and each day." -Thomas S. Monson

I remember when I was a mom of little ones. I remember the days of babies and toddlers. The days when my time was not my own. The days when I was constantly tripping on toys and feeding infants and changing diapers and hiding in bathrooms for a moment of peace only to have little fingers come crawling under the door, followed by a little voice inquiring, "Mom, are you in there?" I remember not getting showers or sleep or exercise. And I remember reminding myself almost daily that there is a time and a season for all things and that when these toddlers trotted off to school, there would then be time for a clean house and a firm body and personal hygiene. 

So I tried to be content in the chaos, to find merriment in the messes, to be satisfied with simple triumphs, to delight in the disarray. For I knew the children would only be little for a short time and that I would miss their messes and their noises.

My baby has now been in school for six years. My oldest will be flying the nest in less than a week. And I ask you, where is the order, where is the control, where is the peace that I somehow felt entitled to? I remember when it finally dawned on me. Wait, I finally get the youngest to school at 8:45 and at 2:10, I have to head over to the high school to pick up the oldest. That gives me a total of five hours to grocery shop, clean the whole house, do all of the laundry, get in my hour work out, immerse myself in the scriptures for 45 minutes, prepare my primary lesson, go to the temple, do my family history, get caught up on my kids' scrapbooks, get dinner in the crockpot, organize those closets, and go to lunch with that friend I promised I would call once the kids were in school! And it's vital that all of these things happen by 2:00 because the insanity that ensues once the children are home from school is mind-boggling. You see, I've got to be at the top of my game! And there's no catching up after bedtime, because with teenagers there is no real bedtime. It is likely I will be up helping them with homework until 11:00. Moms of big kids work a swing shift, a very intense swing shift.

Did I mention that my youngest just started year round school? Whoever invented year round school should be drug out in the street and shot. Jonah goes off track the week after the rest of them start school. So there goes my vital five morning hours for weeks at a time over the next school year.

We had tickets to the Ogden Temple Open House yesterday. I can't compete with the thousands of motivated and organized Mormon Moms in this state who gobbled up all of the evening and weekend tickets the first day they became available, so we had to check Jonah out of school, and Neil had to take a half day of work off. It was a lovely afternoon. The temple is beautiful! We hurried home and grabbed some dinner, then Mom stopped by to visit, which was so nice. But now it was 9:30, and Jonah still had an hour and a half of homework to do!

I'm going to try to finish school shopping this morning because Neil and I are due back at the temple this afternoon to volunteer. We had volunteered for September but somehow got scheduled for today. Grand. I'm trying to figure out how to get Jonah to his first soccer practice this evening (It's soccer season already?!) I'll get home at 8:30, and then homework must commence.

Tomorrow is Spencer's birthday. That will be a day of cleaning and baking like a madwoman. Did I mention that we move Jessica to Logan next Tuesday? I've hardly had time to think about it. Her wisdom teeth are out. I still need to get her a haircut and a meningitis shot. We ran to Target last week and bought some school supplies and some appliances for her apartment. All of the strings are replaced on her cello. The bow rehairing will have to wait until December. Half of her books are ordered off of Amazon. I hope they show up before next week! I have all sorts of "Good Mom" things I want to do for her, but I'm wondering how it's going to happen.

Because you see on top of all of this, I was asked two months ago to provide a booth for the Women's Wellness Expo that our Stake Relief Society is putting on this Saturday. My topic is, get this, all about how now is the time to prepare. How to be as the wise virgin and keep our lamps filled with oil. Have I even begun to generate ideas for my booth? Um no. 

Can we just discuss the state of my lamp right now? Not only is it completely empty, but I'm not sure I even know where it is. It may be in a box in my basement somewhere. It may be under a pile of laundry. I don't even know. As for the oil. What oil? Can I even tell you when was the last time I opened my scriptures? Exercise...what is that? With the diet of french fries and milkshakes that I've been surviving on this summer, you can imagine the state of this body of mine. I'm not sure how long it's been since I've attended the temple or spent time quietly pondering. I don't sleep. My brain races too much. The night terrors are picking up again. Do I sound like one of the wise virgins, perfectly prepared for the bridegroom? I don't think I could even count as one of the foolish virgins. I think I could probably call myself the "absent virgin". You know, the one who didn't get the bridegroom's arrival on my calendar. The one who's at soccer practice while everyone is heading to the feast.

So this is my question. Is there a season of order for women? Is there a time of control? Is there a time and a season where one may work patiently on filling one's lamp? Because I'm beginning to think that there is not. I just read a blog of a mother of little ones who has finally given up on the idea of balance in life and is just trying to bask in the brilliant pandemonium of early motherhood, because she knows that there is a time and a season for everything. I refrained from commenting on her blog, because it would read something discouraging like this:

That's all fine and good. But what if you get fifteen years down the road and realize that this time and season of chaos is not only lingering but seems to have taken up permanent residence? That it has not only continued but has taken up speed and is now wreaking havoc on everything it touches? What if you realize years down the road that that ever essential lamp that you intended to fill in another time and season of life still sits tarnished and neglected on the shelf? Only now you are being asked to share with others your wisdom on how to fill your lamp, because surely a seasoned mom at this time in her life has filled her lamp and is now working steadily on the extra oil that we hear is so vital. 

Here's a news flash...I got nothin'. I'm a hot mess. All of the time. And I'm kind of tired of just trying to be ok with it. I'm a little bit weary of reveling in the rigmarole. I can no longer marvel at the madness. I'm a little bit bitter that this thing called chaos has literally purchased a condo in my living room and has no intention of ever leaving it.

So if there is anyone with pearls of wisdom that you could cast toward this swine wallowing in her personal pigsty (which by the way was supposed to be clean during this time and season of my life) please do so, because I've got two days to figure it out, in between baking cupcakes, school shopping, college packing, and homework. Oh, and I need to present it in a visually stunning manner so that the 650 women who pass my booth will want to stop and learn more about filling their lamps.

Forgive the very "realness" of this post. Writing can be therapeutic for me. I usually reserve such rants for less public venues, but I thought that young mommies should be warned. So that when this time and season in their lives arrives they will not be discouraged or shocked. Hopefully when this phase hits, they will have faint memories of reading a semi-coherent blog post from a frazzled "seasoned" mom who had just realized that it is entirely possible that there is no easy season of life. No unchallenging time. That as we grapple with our current season, the Lord may just be preparing us for another season that will test us beyond our limits. And that is why it is so vital that we fill our lamps along the way. Somehow. Someway.

So if you're wondering how to do that, come on over to the Women's Wellness Expo. There will be a seasoned mom dressed in her Sunday best sitting at a booth with her hair done and a smile on her face happy to answer any questions you might have on the subject. After all, she is at "that" time of life when everything comes together. Her lamp is full, with oil to spare. Come learn from her. Disregard the bags under her eyes. She will have been up until midnight with partying teenage boys the night before, and she's heading home to finish college shopping with her adult daughter. But it's ok because at this time of life she has things figured out, and you could learn much from her:)

Right Now...

"Adaptable as human beings are and have to be, I sometimes sympathize with the chameleon who had a nervous breakdown on a patchwork quilt." -John Stephen Strange

Right now I am straddling the end of my last summer with my family as I've known it and a school year started prematurely. 

Right now I have to worry about 6th grade homework on warm summer nights that are supposed to be carefree and magical. I kind of hate that. Who am I kidding, it makes me want to openly rebel against the school system. You can make my kid go to school while all of his siblings blissfully sleep in, but you can't make him do his stinking homework, nor can I for that matter, so I'm not going to make him. Take that!

Right now my 18 year old has officially quit her job, gotten her wisdom teeth yanked out, and can speak of nothing but college, and college, and oh yah, college!

Right now I'm trying to be ok with the fact that my daughter is so excited to leave this house and so excited to leave this family and informs me regularly that her heart is already in Logan. I try to remind myself that it is normal and even healthy for an adult child to be anxious to leave the nest and get out on her own. I try to remind myself that she will come back and that with time she will value her family more and more.

Right now my brain is racing as I think about the many things she will need for college, and I'm kind of wondering how we will come up with the many said items, since the payment of her tuition has rendered us financially crippled.

Right now I stay up late waiting for teenagers to get home from their various carefree summer activities and drag myself out of bed early to get Jonah off to school. Right now I'm pretty tired.

Right now we are enjoying an occasional marshmallow roast out in the backyard, which is about the only way we can enjoy this desert wasteland we call a yard. The whole yard installment process is going soooo slooooow. Neil has bishopric stuff some nights, and we have Jonah homework stuff all nights, and the weekends have been full of scout camps, girls camps, youth conference, and family events. Installing a sprinkling system?...ain't nobody got time for that! I think we'll just pay someone to handle this for us. Oh yah, Utah State stole all of our money. We're broke. Never mind.

Right now I am looking at having one child in elementary school, one child in junior high, one child in high school, and one child in college. Right now I'm thinking I should have had these babies a little closer together.

Right now I am trying to figure out how we can have a party with Jessica every single night between now and when we take her up to college considering Utah State stole all our money and we have to do stupid sixth grade homework every night. Because all I really want to do right now is play every single night with this family and these children that I adore so much before everything starts to change.

Right now I can't even really picture what life will look like with Jessica not living under our roof. I haven't been able to go there.

Right now I need to do school shopping for Sabrina and Spencer and college shopping for Jessica.

Right now we are spending a lot of time on the computer registering kids and paying fees. Who knows what we're paying for. Who knows! We are just handing out money to every institution that somehow feels entitled to it. Right now I wait with trepidation for the teenagers' schedules to pop up so that I can decide just how much time I get to spend in a counselor's office attempting to make changes.

Right now I want to throw all caution to the wind, and take my four little children, and my dear sweet husband, and head for the coast with ne'er a look back. I want to sit on the beach and watch my little ones search for seashells. I want to pretend that life is simple and slow like it used to be and that these sweet children will stay under my wing forever. I want to pretend for one blessed week that life doesn't change, that kids don't grow up, and that I can continue to maintain control of this little world I've created and these little spirits that I've brought into it.

Right now I want to go back to this:

And then I'll come back, and then life can change, and I will quit whining and fretting and mourning over the loss of those quiet times of yesteryear, and I will accept and even embrace the new life that awaits our family. I know the blessings and the joys will be great and many. It's just the unknown I'm not ok with, but I'll be ok...eventually.