Endings & Beginnings

"Months are different in college, especially freshman year. Too much happens. Every freshman month equals six regular months- they're like dog months."-Rainbow Rowell

I have so much catching up to do. I'm telling you, life is a bullet train. I am sitting in my quiet house. You see it is the first day of school...AGAIN! I feel like I've been doing first days of school all summer. But now they are all safely delivered to their respective places of learning. Each one resides at a different place of learning this year, and the oldest resides...sniff, sniff...a good hour away from here. I was not there to take her first day of school photo. I had to turn to Facebook for a peek into that moment of her life.

Sometime ago, I discussed that ache that comes when you realize that you are done having children and that there will be no more babies. Well, I am now suffering with a new ache. That ache that comes when your first baby leaves the nest. Oh the aches of motherhood.

The past week or so has been one of endings and beginnings. A week ago Saturday, we enjoyed our last weekend as a family before Jess was to head off to college. It was the end of family life as we know it. The last time we went out with our four dependent children all of which live under our roof. No this would not be our last family fun time, but it will be different after this. Jessica requested bowling for our last hurrah. Mainly because she knew she would school all of us. I told her that winner gets to buy everyone ice cream after, but somehow Neil got roped into buying the ice cream after being shamefully defeated by his eighteen year old daughter. Story of his life.

Monday brought a new ending as it was her final lesson with the great Richard Marsden. She has been under his careful tutelage for four and half years now, and it was difficult to say good-bye to this great mentor. She is the musician that she is because of him. Although I haven't accompanied her to a lesson for a good two years now, I had to attend this her last lesson. He gave her some final pointers on the Saint-Saen concerto. I had forgotten what a tremendous teacher he is. With each difficult run, he would ask her which scale she had just played. Sometimes she was spot on. Sometimes she was way off, and he wouldn't sugar coat it when that was the case. 

I had to get one last photo of this duo. There were no tears. Mr. Marsden had another student, and he has had to say good-bye to many students over the years I'm sure. He wished Jess good luck, and then we walked out of the maestro's house for the last time.



It will be ok, because Jess already had a lesson scheduled with her cello professor for Thursday. I have the feeling that this will be the beginning of even greater learning from yet another great mentor.

I was up until midnight that night trying to get Jessica's care package put together for the next day. Just those odds and ends that I knew she would need but wouldn't realize it until eleven o'clock at night during a blizzard.

We began the trek up to Logan at 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. All of Jessica's essential belongings were stuffed in our van while Tony "the cello" resided where he normally does, in the back of her Corolla. 

She was the second one to arrive at the apartment. One of her roommates was already there, and her dad almost had the router up and running, because you know that the immediate activation of wi-fi is of utmost importance. This is Brigette, Jessica's roomie and friend from Davis Youth Symphony. That they ended up being roomies makes me so happy! Funny thing. Neil and Brigette's dad worked together at scout camp over two decades ago. The way life comes around full circle is almost eery.

How these girls got all of their stuff jammed into that teeny tiny room I'll never know. I wasn't there to witness the miracle, but Jess says that all of their belongings have a home now, including both cellos.

I didn't want to be too much of a hovering mother, but there were some loose ends that Jess was still a little stressed about, so we went ahead and took care of those things. We bought the last of her books. The science text book in the form of a large pile of loose leaf papers that cost a mere $110.00 and cannot be returned to the bookstore still leaves me brooding, but what can you do? 

We then proceeded to Walmart and bought her some groceries and stopped at the bank to figure out the problem with her debit card that has been declining her for the last several months.

At this point, Jess was feeling like she had everything well in hand. We just happened to notice a Fizz n Fryz on our way into Walmart and surprisingly had a hankering for none other than a soda and some french fries on the way out. This place is trouble. I warned Jess to resist the temptation to live off of belgian waffles, fries, custom-made sodas, and pizza while at college. I begged the child to please, for the love of Pete, try to eat at least one real fruit or vegetable a day. Sure enough, by the end of the night, Jess had posted a picture of herself lounging in her bedroom with a plate full of pizza and some Pride and Prejudice streaming in the background. 

Books were paid for, groceries purchased, debit card dilemma solved, tummy full of carbonation and greasy fries, Jess was ready to send us on our way and begin setting up her apartment and bonding with these roommates who will become her college family. We gave final hugs, held the tears in, and drove home...without our child.

I didn't go home and sob. I went home and slept! I was so physically and emotionally exhausted from this whole experience that I just collapsed onto my bed and almost instantaneously fell into a coma. I believe I was more exhausted that day than the day I gave birth to the child. One day I was bringing Jessica into the world, and the next I was taking her out to live in the world without my watchful care. Both experiences were very intense.

Though I am pushing through this ache, I can't wish for her to be anywhere but where she is. I am thrilled as can be that she is having this college experience! She has already roamed the campus and fallen in love with the fine arts building, where she will pretty much be living. She is already best friends with her roommates. She has already gone to church and feels that she must be part of the best ward in all of Logan. She is already cooking for herself, cleaning for herself (in theory at least), figuring out public transit and parking for herself, and exchanging numbers with cute returned missionaries. She's having all of those delicious college moments that I remember and treasure.

It is starting to actually settle in now, as I walk past her empty bedroom. She is not just away at camp or on her senior trip. Her home is elsewhere. I'm not right there watching her experience life. I must learn of her adventures second hand. All I can say is how did parents ever do this without texting or Facebook? 

Now I seek to find a new normal, with one child no longer under my roof safe and sound at the end of the night. My prayers for her safety have taken on a new level of fervency. Today is her first day of school, and it will be hard not to be right there when she walks through the door overflowing with details from the day. But come 11:30, I'll be here with phone in hand ready to hear those delicious details in any way she's ready to deliver them.