Time and Season?

"The way to be with God in every season is to strive to be near Him every week and each day." -Thomas S. Monson

I remember when I was a mom of little ones. I remember the days of babies and toddlers. The days when my time was not my own. The days when I was constantly tripping on toys and feeding infants and changing diapers and hiding in bathrooms for a moment of peace only to have little fingers come crawling under the door, followed by a little voice inquiring, "Mom, are you in there?" I remember not getting showers or sleep or exercise. And I remember reminding myself almost daily that there is a time and a season for all things and that when these toddlers trotted off to school, there would then be time for a clean house and a firm body and personal hygiene. 

So I tried to be content in the chaos, to find merriment in the messes, to be satisfied with simple triumphs, to delight in the disarray. For I knew the children would only be little for a short time and that I would miss their messes and their noises.

My baby has now been in school for six years. My oldest will be flying the nest in less than a week. And I ask you, where is the order, where is the control, where is the peace that I somehow felt entitled to? I remember when it finally dawned on me. Wait, I finally get the youngest to school at 8:45 and at 2:10, I have to head over to the high school to pick up the oldest. That gives me a total of five hours to grocery shop, clean the whole house, do all of the laundry, get in my hour work out, immerse myself in the scriptures for 45 minutes, prepare my primary lesson, go to the temple, do my family history, get caught up on my kids' scrapbooks, get dinner in the crockpot, organize those closets, and go to lunch with that friend I promised I would call once the kids were in school! And it's vital that all of these things happen by 2:00 because the insanity that ensues once the children are home from school is mind-boggling. You see, I've got to be at the top of my game! And there's no catching up after bedtime, because with teenagers there is no real bedtime. It is likely I will be up helping them with homework until 11:00. Moms of big kids work a swing shift, a very intense swing shift.

Did I mention that my youngest just started year round school? Whoever invented year round school should be drug out in the street and shot. Jonah goes off track the week after the rest of them start school. So there goes my vital five morning hours for weeks at a time over the next school year.

We had tickets to the Ogden Temple Open House yesterday. I can't compete with the thousands of motivated and organized Mormon Moms in this state who gobbled up all of the evening and weekend tickets the first day they became available, so we had to check Jonah out of school, and Neil had to take a half day of work off. It was a lovely afternoon. The temple is beautiful! We hurried home and grabbed some dinner, then Mom stopped by to visit, which was so nice. But now it was 9:30, and Jonah still had an hour and a half of homework to do!

I'm going to try to finish school shopping this morning because Neil and I are due back at the temple this afternoon to volunteer. We had volunteered for September but somehow got scheduled for today. Grand. I'm trying to figure out how to get Jonah to his first soccer practice this evening (It's soccer season already?!) I'll get home at 8:30, and then homework must commence.

Tomorrow is Spencer's birthday. That will be a day of cleaning and baking like a madwoman. Did I mention that we move Jessica to Logan next Tuesday? I've hardly had time to think about it. Her wisdom teeth are out. I still need to get her a haircut and a meningitis shot. We ran to Target last week and bought some school supplies and some appliances for her apartment. All of the strings are replaced on her cello. The bow rehairing will have to wait until December. Half of her books are ordered off of Amazon. I hope they show up before next week! I have all sorts of "Good Mom" things I want to do for her, but I'm wondering how it's going to happen.

Because you see on top of all of this, I was asked two months ago to provide a booth for the Women's Wellness Expo that our Stake Relief Society is putting on this Saturday. My topic is, get this, all about how now is the time to prepare. How to be as the wise virgin and keep our lamps filled with oil. Have I even begun to generate ideas for my booth? Um no. 

Can we just discuss the state of my lamp right now? Not only is it completely empty, but I'm not sure I even know where it is. It may be in a box in my basement somewhere. It may be under a pile of laundry. I don't even know. As for the oil. What oil? Can I even tell you when was the last time I opened my scriptures? Exercise...what is that? With the diet of french fries and milkshakes that I've been surviving on this summer, you can imagine the state of this body of mine. I'm not sure how long it's been since I've attended the temple or spent time quietly pondering. I don't sleep. My brain races too much. The night terrors are picking up again. Do I sound like one of the wise virgins, perfectly prepared for the bridegroom? I don't think I could even count as one of the foolish virgins. I think I could probably call myself the "absent virgin". You know, the one who didn't get the bridegroom's arrival on my calendar. The one who's at soccer practice while everyone is heading to the feast.

So this is my question. Is there a season of order for women? Is there a time of control? Is there a time and a season where one may work patiently on filling one's lamp? Because I'm beginning to think that there is not. I just read a blog of a mother of little ones who has finally given up on the idea of balance in life and is just trying to bask in the brilliant pandemonium of early motherhood, because she knows that there is a time and a season for everything. I refrained from commenting on her blog, because it would read something discouraging like this:

That's all fine and good. But what if you get fifteen years down the road and realize that this time and season of chaos is not only lingering but seems to have taken up permanent residence? That it has not only continued but has taken up speed and is now wreaking havoc on everything it touches? What if you realize years down the road that that ever essential lamp that you intended to fill in another time and season of life still sits tarnished and neglected on the shelf? Only now you are being asked to share with others your wisdom on how to fill your lamp, because surely a seasoned mom at this time in her life has filled her lamp and is now working steadily on the extra oil that we hear is so vital. 

Here's a news flash...I got nothin'. I'm a hot mess. All of the time. And I'm kind of tired of just trying to be ok with it. I'm a little bit weary of reveling in the rigmarole. I can no longer marvel at the madness. I'm a little bit bitter that this thing called chaos has literally purchased a condo in my living room and has no intention of ever leaving it.

So if there is anyone with pearls of wisdom that you could cast toward this swine wallowing in her personal pigsty (which by the way was supposed to be clean during this time and season of my life) please do so, because I've got two days to figure it out, in between baking cupcakes, school shopping, college packing, and homework. Oh, and I need to present it in a visually stunning manner so that the 650 women who pass my booth will want to stop and learn more about filling their lamps.

Forgive the very "realness" of this post. Writing can be therapeutic for me. I usually reserve such rants for less public venues, but I thought that young mommies should be warned. So that when this time and season in their lives arrives they will not be discouraged or shocked. Hopefully when this phase hits, they will have faint memories of reading a semi-coherent blog post from a frazzled "seasoned" mom who had just realized that it is entirely possible that there is no easy season of life. No unchallenging time. That as we grapple with our current season, the Lord may just be preparing us for another season that will test us beyond our limits. And that is why it is so vital that we fill our lamps along the way. Somehow. Someway.

So if you're wondering how to do that, come on over to the Women's Wellness Expo. There will be a seasoned mom dressed in her Sunday best sitting at a booth with her hair done and a smile on her face happy to answer any questions you might have on the subject. After all, she is at "that" time of life when everything comes together. Her lamp is full, with oil to spare. Come learn from her. Disregard the bags under her eyes. She will have been up until midnight with partying teenage boys the night before, and she's heading home to finish college shopping with her adult daughter. But it's ok because at this time of life she has things figured out, and you could learn much from her:)