What I Have Learned

"The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it." 

-Mary Catherine Bateson

I learned a few things over the last week as we dealt with the death and burial of Neil's mom. I don't know if I remember learning such things upon my dad's death 18 years ago. I was so very young when it all happened and the circumstances were so different. I may have had some of the same thoughts, I suppose I had just forgotten them over time and needed a reminder.

I learned that every breath we are allowed on this earth is a gift from God and at any time he can call us home. We humans get a little over-confident when it comes to our health and our ability to cheat death. We know exactly how much protein and omega 3's we're supposed to get everyday. We know which fruits are high in anti-oxidants. We know which foods to avoid. We know how much of which kinds of exercise we should get. We feel that if we strictly obey all of these laws of health, and faithfully get our mammograms and colonoscopies that there is no reason why we shouldn't live to be well into our 90's.

We would make such boastful comments about Neil's parents. We were confident that they would make the age of 90 no problem. Neil's mom had never been hospitalized. She had never had any health problems. The only medication she was on was a vitamin D pill. Her doctor told her 6 months ago that she was the picture of health. When she was taken so suddenly, we were all confused, even baffled. How could this happen? I think that we forget that God is "...preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another..." (Mosiah 2:21)

Her probationary period was finished. She had endured well. It was time to come home. And the Lord took her without warning. I am reminded what a blessing it is that she had her health and her mind right up until the very end. I think we would all like to leave this life that way.

I learned the value of a funeral plan. Ruth was always thinking about her family and trying to make their lives easier. We knew she had some sort of funeral plan. We came home from the hospital in a daze and didn't know where to even begin when it came to planning the funeral. Neil's dad was in shock. I told Neil, "I'll bet if you look in Ruth's file drawer under F, you will find the information we need." Sure enough, there it was. She was that organized. 

She had picked out and paid for her plot and her casket, and she had paid for the opening and closing of the grave. The plan had been purchased in 1988 and had collected interest. We were able to pay for flowers and a grave marker with the extra money, and the mortuary still owed Al a check in the end.

She had written a rough obituary as well as suggestions for her funeral. She was still lifting our burdens, even after death. A funeral plan... a gift to those you leave behind.

I was reminded of the value of family. Neil's family is one of Yours, Mine, and Ours. He has 4 living half sisters from his parents' previous marriages. This was the first time in years that all of the family had been together. Why do we wait until death to all gather together? Wouldn't Ruth have loved to see us all together in life? Family relationships are precious. They can be altered in a split-second. They must be cherished here and now, not during some future family tragedy.

I learned the value of sharing the responsibilities as a husband and wife. Ruth took care of all the finances. Al was so overwhelmed at the finances that his initial response was to just sell everything. Now Neil is helping his dad learn how to manage the accounts and pay bills. It wouldn't be so difficult, except that Ruth was very savvy for an 80 year old woman. Al is having to learn how to use the online bill pay and other technology. 

Al knows how to cook oatmeal, pancakes, and hash browns. He's set for breakfast, but dinner is a different story. We will be inviting him over often and sending freezer meals his way. Neil got home from helping his dad last night, and Sabrina responded, "Any luck teaching an old dog new tricks?" It will come, but it will take time. Share in the responsibilities before they are all heaped upon you at once.

I learned that I don't take nearly enough photos. I had always prided myself on my history keeping. When it came time to put a slideshow together, I struggled to find photos of the kids' grandmother. I was so busy trying to snap pictures of my kids, that I forgot to have grandma and grandpa get in the photos. Take lots and lots and lots of pictures. It will be one of the most precious reminders of your loved one.

I learned that the grief of the elderly, upon losing their spouse, is great. My dad died at 42 years old. As I watched my mother bury her husband, after 21 short years of marriage, I couldn't imagine that there was anything in the world so tragic. Neil's parents had not left each other's side since Al retired 23 years ago. They had been together for nearly 50 years. We rarely saw one without the other. They were inseparable. As we sat in the hospital, saying our final good-byes to Ruth, Al was in complete despair. He hugged her and hugged her, as if he could maybe will her spirit back into her body if he hugged her hard enough. He expressed between sobs that we could have no idea the loss he was feeling at that time. At the viewing, he stood right next to her, with his hand on her shoulder, almost as if he wanted to climb right into the casket with her.

I always thought that it would be a little easier to lose your spouse in old age because you would have had so many years together, and you wouldn't be parted for too long. But I have learned that because you have had so many years together, it is like having a part of you severed off when that spouse dies, and you don't want to be without that part of you even for a day.

I learned that it is hard to lose your parent whether they are 40 or 80. I learned that you are never ready. I was reminded that life is precious, that we have no idea how long we have on this earth, and that these are the good ol' days, so now is the time to cherish them.